All I can Do is Smile

The Bitch is Back


Perhaps some of you have noticed that I went a little radio silent on the 2nd biopsy results — or didn’t realize that my big benign announcement was only for the 1st biopsy.

Let’s just go ahead and pull the band-aid off.

The 2nd biopsy came back malignant.

I start chemotherapy on Friday, March 17. Yeah, that’s four days from now.

How did we get here? During my routine check-up, something popped up on the CT scan, so I was then sent to have a PET scan. As mentioned in a previous post, the PET scan news was not great.

We still went on our 2-week trip to Oregon, then came home and started the testing. Week 1 was the CT-guided biopsy. Week 2 results, clear! Week 3, was the endoscopic ultrasound, and we got the preliminary results that the biopsy was malignant.

(sidenote: Technically this was 5 weeks of waiting for test results at various time, and needless to say the emotional toll it took on my was palpable. Depression definitely reared its ugly head, and I can’t thank my psychiatrist and psychologist enough for their guidance during those weeks.)

Of course, I jumped into action, emailing my doctor to essentially say “okay, let’s get something going,” to which I got the reply from his nurse that the results had not hit my chart yet, they have no record of the results and therefore, we would have to wait.

Fucking waiting again. That’s the give and take with the Kaiser machine. You take the good with the bad.

Last Monday, I got confirmation in my inbox (which, by the way GI doc, that’s kind of a shitty way to tell someone, though I shouldn’t be surprised since you were the same guy who told me the preliminary diagnosis while I was in the recovery room still high AF from my sedation drugs.)

Game on.

I called the oncology nurse and left a message there. I called the appointment center and had them send a message to my oncologist (they have to reply to that system within 24 hours whereas if I email him from my system, they have 48 — I’ve picked up some tricks). And then, out of sheer frustration for not being able to get a live human, I texted my former oncologist a novel letting her know what was going on and if there was any way for her to help. She actually took the time to text the oncology nurse to try to get a response there and then called me to talk about what was going on. (I still love that women and damn Portland for taking her away from me.)

There were a lot of missed calls and back and forth, but ultimately I got an appointment with the doc yesterday, and had a long conversation with the oncology nurse (we might as well just name her — Patti — she gets shit done) the week prior to prep for the talk with the doctor.

So here’s how it’s all going down.


  • It will be a 3 week cycle like last time, and 6 rounds, also like last time
  • After the 3rd round, we’ll take a scan and see how we’re progressing
  • My chemo will in intravenous only, with Day 1 being carboplatin + gemzar, Day 8 being only gemzar, and then a week off. (I’m actually stoked that my days have turned out to be Fridays, because that gives me the weekend to recover and hopefully continue to work.)
  • I will not lose my hair. Pretty cool.

My doctor feels very confident that I’ll get back in remission. But if I don’t, that we have an arsenal of treatments to choose from before we get into some of the targeted therapy things.

So, for now, we’ll just see how I handle the first round.

I am again organized with ways you can help. More items will be added soon, I just need to get ready for Friday.


39 thoughts on “The Bitch is Back

  1. Bring your fucking coloring book to chemo and color some fucking bad words!!! And frame the shit out of those fucking bad words and maybe sell that fucking shit on the Internets! Love you, girl. Kick some ass.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Gambatte! Love your face.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Love and hugs to you. As always I’m thinking of you with much love and hope to visit with you when you are up for it. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sending you lots of hugs!!! You are so going to kick this bitch’s ass! Love you!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You’re gonna demolish this. Love you girl! Sending Zen your way!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Love you friend…Sending so much strength and fight your way…Even though you’ve got this!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Life is a bitch, but there’s no good alternative. Thinking healthy thoughts for you, sending some (various shades of) blue healing energy, use as needed. Here’s a million Zen hugs from me to you. And there’s more where they come from if you run out.
    Have you picked out your “getting chemo” outfits yet? Please tell me it will be something wild, funny, a finger to the cancer that thinks it pwns you.
    Love you. (Hugs for Kenji, too.)

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I hate this, I hate this so much and it just isn’t fair!!!

    But I love you and your spirit and there is no other boss ass betch of a woman that could fight through something with such bad assness. Sending positive vibes and lots and lots of love!!! Wish I was there to see you!



    Liked by 1 person

  9. Our prayers are with you. You will beat the beast!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. So sorry to hear this. You are in our thoughts & prayers. Keep fighting dear!! Love to Kenji…

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Sorry to hear but our thoughts and prayers are with you guys!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Sending positive healing energy and prayers your way. I know you will kick ass in regular Jessica style ❤


  13. Sending positive healing energy and prayers your way. I know you will kick ass in true Jessica style ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Cancer has never met a more organized ass kicker! Love you pookie, I wish I was there to make you tea and crumpets xx

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Mothereffer. Ok. You got this though. Kick so much ass. Sending you love and prayers and healing universe vibes. Eff.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Enough already! Go kick its ass and keep that great big smile from ear to ear! Sending hugs and good juju your way. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Sending hugs, love and positive energy from the three of us.

    Kick this bitches ass girl!! You got this!

    Love to you and Kenji,
    Mart, Ali & Mikaela

    Liked by 1 person

  18. We are thinking of you today!! You are strong and will kick cancer’s ass!! We love you! ❤️


  19. Jessica, sorry to hear this. Sending you love, hugs and positive vibes. Prayers up!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Fuck cancer. Jess, you’re a badass. I’m rooting for you every day!! Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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